


Piloting

by Lioness25



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Friendship/Love, Guilt, Mass Effect 3, Physical Disability, Purgatory, Romance, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-04
Updated: 2014-06-16
Packaged: 2018-02-03 09:25:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1739576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lioness25/pseuds/Lioness25
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every good pilot knows that sometimes course corrections are needed; even if you are the best damn pilot in the Galaxy. </p><p>Shoker fic, focusing exclusively on the fallout of the infamous Purgatory scene; examining Shepard and Joker's feelings as they attempt to pick up the pieces of their shattered relationship.<br/>Is it even possible? Is there room for one last chance? Will they ever move from friends, to something more, or is it too late, too damaged?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Burning in Hell

**Author's Note:**

> All characters etc. belong to BioWare. I just like playing with them! :)

 

 

 

_‘’Can’t you see the desperation? This isn’t ‘’happy’’ dancing this is’’ forget my problems’’ dancing, look at the arms. If a guy’s waving his arms like that, he’s worried about a lot more than looking stupid on the dance floor.’’_

_‘’That’s surprisingly observant,’’_

_‘’I’ve had time to watch a lot of dancing from the sidelines; speaking of which,’’_

_‘’Dancing?’’_

_‘’Watching from the sidelines. What do you think of me and EDI?’’_

_‘’You know, with all this interest in EDI, it’s possible you’ve overlooked other options,’_

_‘’Uh, I’ve never really considered it commander, no offence,’’_

_‘’And now that you’re considering it?’’_

_‘’I’ve served with you from the day you took command; I’d follow you into hell,’’_

_‘’But not into my quarters?’’_

_‘’Chain of command Shepard; I’m not Kaidan. I don’t think it could work, not with both of us in uniform,’’_

_‘’And EDI doesn’t wear a uniform,’’_

_‘’Well, yeah. What do you think?’’_

_‘’Why not?’’_

_‘’Because I could break a bone just from some light, over the clothes action’’_

_‘’Ah, It’s always a risk, but then so are the reapers,’’_

_‘’Yeah, I wasn’t planning on dating Harbinger,’’_

_‘’ You know what I mean. If we all ended up dead this time tomorrow, what would you regret?’’_

_‘’Getting a shattered pelvis, and a broken heart; it’s such a stupid idea’’_

_‘’ I you could be out there right now on the dance floor, would you be waving your arms?’’_

_‘’Yeah, ‘’_

_‘’Sounds like you’ve got bigger things to worry about than looking stupid,’’_

_‘’Yeah, I guess I do; now, if you’ll excuse me,’’_

The whole horrible exchange filled her thoughts, chasing around into ever more maddening loops. She’d never been shot down like that; but the pain she was feeling wasn’t because of the loss of some silly pride, or because he’d ‘’knocked her down a peg’’ it was worse than that. The whole interaction had been so depressing, and not even because it had hurt her, which it had, but because he thought that something, emphasis on the ‘’thing’’ like EDI, was all he was worthy of; even when she’d tried to offer him something more. Of course, there was the possibility that he _did_ really like EDI, but as a woman, Shepard felt she knew better, and it made her ache.

One line in particular kept standing out to her; burning into her, and leaving a leaden guilt.

_‘’ Chain of command Shepard, I mean, I’m not Kaidan…’’_

_I’m not Kaidan._ Was that what this was really about? Was this the root of his rejection? He felt utterly inadequate in comparison to Kaidan?

He was right, he wasn’t Kaidan. Thank  God, he wasn’t too. But how would she ever convince him of that now? It seemed unlikely. Kaidan, had been a mistake. A one-time, mistake. He’d wanted it, she finally gave in, and then, regretted it every day after; since she’d set her sights on someone else, almost the first day she’d laid eyes on him, and certainly after his green (absolutely _gorgeous_ ) eyes had met hers. As if EDI would appreciate those eyes.

_‘’Why not?’’_

Why had she said that to him, like she had been agreeing? Hadn’t he heard her sarcasm, her faint bitterness and hurt as she’d said it?

 Shepard exhaled slowly, staring up at the stupid window over her bed. Why the fuck Cerberus had put that in…she’d never know. Even though it had a shutter, she’d left it open the last few nights, staring out into the abyss, the cold, suffocating anxiety it still induced in her, was neutralized by the feeling that had settled over her, cold as ice, heavy as lead, after her talk with Joker at Purgatory.

Commander Elizabeth Shepard: Powerful, deadly, beautiful, savior of all humanity; the list could go on, but she wished now, more than ever, that she could just be a woman, with no rank, or honors…and that he… _they_ …could have met somewhere else, someplace else, with no ‘’chain of command’' no Kaidan and no EDI.

They’d almost made it through, to the end, whatever that end would ultimately be, a win, or a loss…but still an end and she could hardly bear the thought that he had never considered her,that he…wanted a robot…a cold sculpted piece of metal, over her.

_I’d follow you into hell, Shepard,_

_But not into my quarters?_

She shivered. It was too much. She felt _so_ alone; and the one person she trusted, felt was her friend, had been loyally by her side from the beginning; the one person she _loved_ , didn’t love her; she blinked, and then wiped her eyes, feeling totally empty.

…

Coward. Yep, fucking grade ‘’A’’ coward. Joker rubbed his hands over his face, his eyes itching with tiredness, but feeling a stubborn refusal to go to bed, even though his shift had ended hours ago. EDI had dutifully gone to get him coffee. But it was mostly because he needed a break from her presence; a chance to think. It hadn’t taken him long to sum up what he thought.

 _Coward_.

He leaned deeper into his chair, resting his arms limply, as he painfully stretched his legs to ease the ache; his eyes gazing unfocusedly at the ceiling, the various lights, and indicators winking indifferently down at him.  

_What had he done?_

Was he really so scared of rejection, that he had shot Shepard down, before she got the chance to do it to him? When, there were really only indications that she would do nothing of the sort. Well, one thing was for sure; he had now proved beyond all doubt, how little he thought of himself, and his chances. _‘’Yeah dumbass, but YOU are the one who blew your fucking chance!’’_ the voice in his head snapped _, ‘’she was offering herself to you; the woman you have fucking loved, and lusted after for years…offered_ you _…and you picked goddamn EDI! You deserve to be miserable, asshole!'’_

Yeah…he had longed after Shepard for a long time. But, he hadn’t dared put himself forward, especially with Alenko being there, being what she deserved. Besides, he’d caused her death, because of his damn stubbornness. So, after Cerberus brought her back, he told himself she’d never want him for sure…since he was to blame for her losing two years of her life, and time with Alenko.

Alenko… _shit_. He’d been friends with the guy; at least mostly, he’d resented him too. Now, though he really didn’t have much use for him. He’d been so cruel to Shepard on Horizon, really broke her. Not to mention how bad he’d broken _him_ …after he’d been the only one in the pod. Well, it _was_ his fault; but still, he’d not felt fondly toward Kaidan, for needing to spend two months in hospital, away from the booze he’d so desperately needed, and that he’d tried to drown his guilt in after; though no bottle had ever been deep enough.

Joker sighed. Why had he joined Cerberus? Not for the new legs…which were only marginally better; no, it was _her_ , he had come for her; and yet…

He closed his eyes, remembering her on the table, behind the glass; how badly he’d wanted to hold her hand…to beg her forgiveness, to tell her how he _really_ felt…

But no, when she woke, he put his best bullshitting, sarcastic mask back on. ‘' _Yeah, and look where that’s landed you,'’_ sneered the voice.

It was all bullshit. All of it. The whole ‘’chain of command’’ thing, nothing but _shit, shit, shit!_ So was his shit about getting hurt; sure, it scared him a little, but not really, he’d been broken so many times that it was more a periodic, though painful annoyance; and the risk this time, would have been _so_ worth it. ‘ _’But there_ isn’t _a_ _‘’this time’’_ ,’’ his voice taunted nastily, _‘’you made_ sure _of that; you couldn’t have shot her down with any more finality, than if you’d crashed the Normandy again, and made her get spaced all over again,’’_

How could he have hurt her like that?  How could he have refused, the woman he thought he’d never have a chance with…when she had put herself out there, willing and ready to give him a chance. ‘ _’Bet you can count on one hand the number of women like her, who've made you an offer like that, can’t you dumbass?_ ’’ sneered the voice. He could, and it was zero.

Did he really like EDI? Could he actually…? Somehow, right now, sexy or not, breasts and thighs of flesh were looking a lot better than anything EDI had to offer…which was _what?_ She was a robot…GOD! How could he be so stupid? How could he think she felt _anything_ for him?

_Shit!_

Joker sighed heavily, feeling mired in self-loathing and not really sure what to do about it. Hating that it all boiled down to him feeling so inadequate…and not good enough for someone like Shepard. Why would she want him? How long had she wanted him?

He’d had few relationships, embarrassingly few actually, in the seventeen or so years that any romantic relationships of any relevance would exist in; of course he’d had crushes before that, but nothing serious…not that any of his relationships _had_ been, at least not for his partners. Because of this, he’d always dabbled in porn…but what guy didn’t? At least, that’s what he told himself. But, at twenty-five, when his last ‘’serious’’ relationship ended, he’d buried himself in his work and in porn, which on reflection, had been a type of self-abuse, like it was all he was worthy off; and hid behind solid walls of derisive and deflecting humor and sarcasm, pushing people away from him as far as possible, at least emotionally.

 Nope, he had pushed people as far away as possible physically too, making more of his fragility than was really true. Yes, he needed gentle handling, but there were many ways, (he should know) to achieve a goal and unless he was really roughed around, he wasn’t breaking anything; and as if, Shepard wouldn’t have been careful…

‘’Here is you coffee Jeff,’’

Joker startled slightly, and moved his gaze to take in EDI’s face; it looked down at him impassively, _of_ _course_ _it_ _did_ , it always had.

He sat up, and took the offered cup, muttering thanks, as she moved to sit in the co-pilot’s chair, and he resented it. He’d have given anything, for Shepard to be sitting there, like she’d used to, taking time for him, to be with _him_ , and now, he was pretty sure, she’d never bother again.

‘’Are you well, Jeff?’’

‘’Yeah, why?’’ he lied.

‘’Your current biometrics indicate you are in a state of stress, your respiration is elevated, and you have not slept for more than three hours in the last twenty-four,’’

‘’I’m fine,’’

‘’The indicators and evidence don’t li-‘’

‘’Enough, EDI, please, I’m alright, OK?’’

‘’Yes Jeff,’’

 _Jeff_. She called him Jeff and he’d been so fucking thrilled by it; now, he hated it, and there was only one person’s lips he wanted to hear his name on.

_‘’With all this interest in EDI, is it possible you ‘ve overlooked other options?’’_

Yes, he certainly fucking had.

Well, it _had_ been called Purgatory…and it sure had been, and still was.

…

He had gone to his rack in the end. He just couldn’t face his guilt, in EDI’s presence any longer. Joker sat on the edge of his rack for a few moments, eyes closed, trying to ignore how badly he ached today. Slowly he got up, collected his uniform, and limped to the showers.

He stood under the stream of pathetically warm water; his feet planted a little ways apart, and one palm resting on the wall for support; scrubbing the other one over himself absently.

‘’Hey Joker,’’

He looked up, at Donnelly and grunted ‘’hey’’ back, then taking his hand off the wall, finished scrubbing off, just as the water gave out.

‘’What time did you get your rack? It must’ve been late,’’

Joker shrugged, rubbing his hand over his hair, squishing the excess water out of it.

‘’Commander working you to death again?’’

‘’What do you mean ‘’again’’? Isn’t she always? And what does he get for it?’’ chimed in Harris, or someone, Joker couldn't remember the guy's name at the moment, as he started his shower.

‘’Oh, Joker isn’t interested in that, are you Joker?’’ teased Donnelly, only it didn’t feel like teasing; but maybe was just because of the circumstance…

‘’He’s got all he needs with the extranet, and that luscious sex-bot! Besides, I’m sure the Commander wouldn’t look twice at a guy like him, hell, like any of us; she’s only interested in uptight assholes like Alenko, am I right?’’

Joker glared at them, or at least narrowed his eyes slightly, the part about Alenko, and Shepard not being ‘’interested in guy’s like him’’ was just too much.

‘’Geez Joker, you _must_ be tired, even your tongue is still asleep,’’ commented, Donnelly still trying to joke, but starting to look a little concerned.

‘’Yeah, I guess I must be; it needs coffee before it can utter its magical barbs,’’ Joker said at last, from his position near the bench where he was getting dressed, knowing his attempt at an acidic reply had failed utterly, and wanted nothing more than to get to the relative solitude of his cockpit…

Except it wouldn’t be solitude; EDI would be there, efficient and waiting.

At last he limped his way to the mess, he really did need the coffee.

It was relatively empty when he arrived, and so rather than grabbing a cup of coffee, and rushing to the cockpit, he also collected a bowl of whatever muck constituted breakfast, as well as the coffee, and settled at a table by himself.

He gave up on eating the gloppy grey goop, masquerading as what might have been oatmeal, and sipped his coffee, allowing his eyes to shut for overly long periods. He was so tired. His mistake was eating him alive, and the introspection that came with it, tormenting him mercilessly.

Joker painfully and slowly rotated his shoulder, in a futile effort to lessen the ache. Stretching his legs in an attempt to do the same. He set down his cup, and opened his eyes, just in time to see Shepard enter the mess, his stomach tightened.

She looked as bad as he felt, moving slowly, and almost clumsily, for Shepard anyway; though he looked as bad as he felt too, not that he’d ever been much to look at.

Joker watched her covertly, from under the brim of his hat, as she collected a tray, and like him, selected a solitary seat.

Stiffly, Joker got to his feet, and made the hike to the cockpit, unable to delay the inevitable, and unable to take in the effects his actions were having on Shepard.

Coward.

 


	2. Being Professional

 

 

Shepard watched Joker limp out of the mess, her gaze remaining long after he had disappeared. Joker looked rough, moving more stiffly than normal. She hated the vindictive spark of delight his apparent suffering gave her; as quickly as it came it faded, leaving a feeling of shame

At last she turned back to the remnants of her breakfast, feeling slightly nauseated. She took another sip of her now nearly cold coffee; it was tasteless in her mouth. She set the cup down, abandoning the bother to try and finish.

She rubbed her hands over her face, trying to pull herself together.

There was so much still to do, so many more _important_ things to be thought about, and accomplished. Why had she given herself this distraction?

 _Fear_. Came her mind’s whispered answer. Yes, it was true, she was afraid. Deep down, she knew, she wasn’t walking away from this. There would be no, ‘'after the war'’ for her. She had come back, only to more than likely give her life again, in a finality for all sentient life.

Yes, she was afraid. Not to do this…not to _die_ …but, to have been so alone her whole life; growing up an orphan, and then spending all her teens and adult life to date in the Alliance. So now, the clock was ticking, seemingly faster and faster, against her, fighting, and thwarting her desires; the desire, the want for the normal human condition, the want for love, and companionship.

Wiping her eyes, Shepard attempted to snap back to Commander mode. There was no choice, she had a job to do, an eventuality to meet, a sacrifice to make; he had said no, she had to respect that, no matter how badly the bile burned her throat at the thought of him with that _thing_.

It was probably her fault anyway, she should have said something sooner…Alliance regs or not.

Or, would he still have blown her off, with his _’'chain of command’’_ speech?

_Blown her off…_

Shepard shivered, her mind wandering treacherously _; green eyes looking up at her, a half smirk on his lips, from his position between her legs…_

She closed her eyes tightly for a moment, took a deep breath, and stood up sharply, briskly leaving the mess. She had a job to do. She had to let Jeff go…time had run out.

…

‘’Being professional’’. Yes, that’s what she had called it; this new Shepard, who snapped, and swore constantly, who fought almost recklessly on missions, who worried her companions, who had shut everyone out; this Shepard with dark circles under her eyes, and who looked at times like she wanted to, and might come apart at the seams, crying and crying. This _new_ Shepard, who broke his heart, since he knew, he was the cause of her distress.

It had been a shock, this new ‘’professionalism.’’ Since, when had she ever been strictly ‘’professional?’’ Especially with him?

Well she sure as hell was now.

Their conversations were clipped, order given order received only. All his attempts at joking, and teasing, (not that his heart had been in it) were rebuffed with uncustomary annoyance and impatience, always in an attempt to make her time with him as brief as possible. Or maybe it was to try and be around EDI as little as possible. He had not failed to notice the venomous looks she’d given the AI. Seriously, if looks could kill; Shepard clearly wishing they could.

After the loss of Thessia he’d tried to comfort her; get her to relax for a minute; he really had been worried about her, and her stress levels; only to be shouted at, and told not to bother pretending to care about her.

That had hurt, but been no less than he probably deserved. The problem was he _did_ care. He had fucked up so badly…he didn’t know if it was possible to repair what he had done, or if she’d even let him try.  

…

It was nearing the end of his shift, not that he’d be going off to sweet dreams, and  sound sleep or anything, or was even relishing the thought of getting to his rack, in the stuffy, snore infused crew quarters; to marinate in the prevailing feeling of fear, at the knowledge that they were all nearing the end.

Even as he thought this, his eyelids drooped rebelliously; he was _so_ tired. Feeling much older than his 31 years.

_‘’So why do you always wear that hat? Hiding a bald spot or something?’’ Her tone was filled with teasing as she stood behind his chair, sneaking up on him like always._

_He had jumped at the sound of her voice, adding to her mirth. She frowned at him, trying to suppress another laugh, eyes still sparkling, as he scowled up at her._

_‘’Yeah, mock the cripple,’’ he’d muttered sourly, looking back at his controls, ‘’come and make fun of him, give him a heart attack by creeping around…and do it all from where he’ll pull all the muscles in his neck while he tries to get a look at his attacker’’_

_Shepard smiled again, and moved to kneel at the side of his chair, ‘’my, my, we_ are _touchy today! What, you have the monopoly around here on mocking and teasing people?’’_

 _Joker looked at her out of the corner of his eye, she’d never been this close to him before; he felt his cheeks becoming a little warm. It was always distracting as hell when she would come and sit in the co-pilot’s seat, but it had been far enough away that his carefully maintained personal space…his walls of self-defence…were maintained. Not that he hadn’t fantasized; now that something might happen though, he felt insecure, and it made him snappy. ‘_ ’Yeah?’’ sneered his inner voice, ‘’and just what do you think is going to happen?’’

 _‘’Yeah, I guess I thought I did…’’ he said as sarcastically as possible, ‘’and for your information, I am_ not _balding!’’_

_Shepard smirked, ‘’So why the hat then?’’_

_Joker shrugged, then tugged unconsciously on the bill of his cap, making sure it hid as much of his face as possible, like talking too much about it, made him nervous that it might be gone; reflecting briefly that it was like some twisted security blanket or something. He smirked at this, in a self-depreciating way._

_He froze when he felt her hand on his, her fingers sliding over his, prying them gently aside, and then, the faint coolness on his head, as she removed the hat. Joker turned his head, looking at Shepard with slightly widened eyes, ‘’Wh-?’’ he began, reaching for his hat, held just out of reach in her left hand._

_‘’Oh relax!’’ She teased, rising in one fluid motion and moving behind his chair again, ‘’I had to make sure you weren’t lying,’’_

_Joker tensed as her fingers touched his head, skimming through his short brown hair, this way and that, raking gently, leaving his hair slightly fluffed, and less laminated to his head._

_She knelt beside him again, ‘’nope, no bald spot,’’ she smiled. He reached for his hat again, hating that he was feeling so shy. Shepard withheld it a moment longer, studying his face as she complained, ‘’what, I just fixed your hair for you, and you want to flatten it again?’’ He gave her a scowl in answer, making her sigh a little theatrically, handing him back the hat, as she stood, ‘’really you should leave it off more, it’s a waste to keep yourself hidden like that,’’_

_She’d stayed long enough to see his cheeks color, then with a last smile, and a pat to his shoulder, she’d left the bridge, and he’d gotten back to work, though his mind was racing._

‘’Jeff?’’

‘’Jeff, please wake up,’’

‘’MMmmm, what?’’ groused Joker, opening his eyes, to the dim light of the bridge, and the familiar glow of the controls.

‘’It is not good for you to sleep here, you require proper rest, your shift is over, please go to you rack,’’

He stiffly sat up, and looked over at EDI; that had been another change…another that had simply reaffirmed his fuck up.

EDI, he had thought, felt something for him, like he thought he had (told himself he had) for her, but since Purgatory, and realizing his mistake, it was clear she never had, she was just herself, _itself_ , like always. Efficient, but emotionless.

‘’Yeah, yeah, _mom_ …I was just going,’’

‘’I am not your mother, Jeff, as I have reminded you many times,’’

Joker just eased himself out of his chair and flapped a hand vaguely in her direction, to show his indifference and lack of interest in her dissection of his sarcasm as he left the bridge.

He had almost creaked his way to the crew quarters, when he stopped, the dream he’d been having before EDI woke him coming back. Only, it wasn’t a dream, it was a memory, from the first few weeks of Shepard’s command, on the SR-1.

Joker let out a soft sigh, and closed his eyes, pressing them tightly shut _. Goddamn fucking idiot!_ His musings of the other night had a partial answer. _How long had she wanted him?_ From the very beginning; and he knew it.

 Pausing for a moment, he turned, making his way to the elevator before he lost his nerve.

It was now or never. He had to try, before, he paused again, not wanting to think of the possibility, but knowing it was _very_ likely, that there might not be any more time for other chances; and if they were all going to die, if _she_ was going to die, he couldn’t let it happen knowing that he’d not at least made the attempt to atone for his mistake.

He limped into the elevator, and gathering his resolve, headed to the loft.


	3. Coming Clean

 

 

The ride up seemed to take an eternity, yet seconds at the same time. The doors slid open, and he limped out, and stood before her door. His mouth was dry, and a sinking feeling was filling him. He wiped his wet palms on his pants, feeling terribly insecure. His thoughts raced around incoherently, his feelings of anxiety deepening with each passing second. His hand feeling like lead, unwilling to obey his order to reach out to the panel.

Joker wasn’t sure how long he stood there, dithering like a silly old woman, losing his nerve more by the second; hating himself more for each second of hesitation.

He knew EDI must be watching this, and the thought filled him with a new layer of stress. That would be the last thing he needed, her chiming in, or warning Shepard he was outside…

 _‘’Way to go, genius,’_ ’ sneered his inner monologue, ‘ _’you’ve hesitated, like a pussy, and now, EDI will have told Shepard, which will only piss her off,’’_

His suspicion turning to dread, as at that moment, the door slid open, revealing a very pale Shepard, with an expressionless face. Well, almost; her lips were pressed in a thin, tight line, that said all that needed to be said about how she felt about his impromptu visit…and EDI’s intrusion warning her of it.

She was dressed in fitted black shorts, and a blue t-shirt, which was slightly baggy on her. Her copper hair was tousled, as if she’d been sleeping, or raking her fingers through it.

They stared at each other for a few seconds; she made an irritated sigh, muttering something that sounded like _’'god_! I don’t have time for you to stand and stare like an idiot all night,’’ then, she took a step forward, and grabbed the front of his uniform, half pulling, half dragging him into her room, ignoring his sound of surprise; steadying his stumble, then releasing him, and stepping back.

The silent staring resumed, Shepard folded her arms tightly across her chest, ‘’well?’’ she asked, her expression still tight, and utterly un amused.

Joker finally cobbled himself together, clearing his throat, ‘ _’well_ ,’’ he countered, managing to get a touch of snarkyness into his tone, ‘ _’well_ , I’m here, because, because we need to talk,’’

Shepard snorted softly, her arms tightening across herself, like they might never come unfolded.

‘’We do, do we?’’ She asked, a sneer clear in her tone,

Joker sighed, biting back a sarcastic, caustic remark; he no longer had the luxury, this was not the time for bullshit, this was not the time for snark, or smartass remarks…no matter how much his anxiety wanted to. He’d have one shot, this was his last chance, and it was time to be honest.

‘’Yes,’’ he said simply, looking into her dark blue eyes, ‘’we do,’’

She frowned slightly, then continued in the same caustic tone ‘’and what could _we_ possibly need to talk about, that caused you to  drag your crippled ass all the way up here in the middle of the night?’’

 _Crippled_. Huh, that hurt a bit. She’d never referred to him as such…and it stung.

They stood a couple of feet apart, emphasis on the standing; his legs were killing him. He spread his feet a little further apart, for more balance, willing his weak muscles to hold him up, and stop their screaming protest, in the form of a burning ache, that was spreading from his knees up, and down.

‘’We need to talk about what happened at Purgatory,’’ said Joker, his voice little above a whisper.

Shepard’s face blanched, her nostrils flaring slightly, and whitening on the edges, as she clenched her teeth, making the skin at her temples flex. The pallor was quickly replaced with a blotchy flush, spreading on her neck, and cheeks. She’d never blushed prettily, weather from rage, embarrassment or arousal.

The silence drug out, Joker shifted again, knowing despite his will, that soon he’d be having this conversation from the floor.

‘ _’That’s what you came here for?’’_ she began quietly, at last breaking the silence, ‘’to drag me through _that_ again?’’ Her tone was acerbic, but controlled, even as the flush on her cheeks deepened. ‘’What else would you possibly have to say, that you didn’t already? I think you made your feelings very clear, _Flight Lieutenant,’’_

 Joker staggered slightly, his left leg beginning to shake, he looked down in shame, ‘’yep, _crippled_ , called it in one,’’ he hissed, the pain intensifying. 

He looked up at her, as her arm slid around his waist, their eyes met, and there were tears in hers. ‘ _’Shepard_ …’’ he began, voice gentler than he could ever remember it sounding, she shook her head, and looked away, helping him to the chair by her personal terminal, which was nearest.

She eased him down, and then resumed her tense stance a couple feet away from him, her arms re-crossed over her chest. Joker bit the inside of his cheek, trying to ignore the pain still burning in his legs, as he looked at Shepard’s ridged form, her gaze trained on the floor.

‘’So,’’ she murmured, ‘’you and EDI getting married, and need my approval or something?’’

‘’What?’’

She shrugged, ‘’I don’t know what else it could be,’’

Joker made a noise half way between a groan and a bitter laugh, and rubbed his hand over his face. ‘’No, EDI and are aren’t getting married…’’

‘’What then? Even you can’t be dense enough to have come here to ask me for, ‘ _’advice’’’’_

 _Wow, she isn’t holding back or anything…crippled_ and _dense._ Joker sighed inside, well, he deserved it.

‘’No, you’re right, I’m not _that_ dense; in fact, that _is_ why I’m here, to try and apologize for being so dense, and for lying,’’

‘ _’…and for lying_ ,’’ it hung in the ensuing moments of silence…

Shepard raised her eyes, fixing them on Joker, not daring to hope, that this conversation might be headed where she had given up even dreaming it could ever. She studied his face, even though it was mostly hidden in shadow, both from the dimness of the room, and from the bill of his hat. Despite this, the light that the fish tank offered picked up the color of his eyes, and the way they were looking at her made her shiver. 

‘’Lying?’’ she breathed, barely audible, her gaze still fixed on his face.

With a little grunt of pain, Joker got back to his feet, and closed the space between them, to a few inches, feeling relieved that Shepard didn’t back up. ‘’Yeah, I lied,’’

Despite the OI, Joker had managed to achieve an almost average height; but Shepard was a tall woman, so they stood at about the same height, with Shepard being maybe a little taller, only an inch or so though. Not that this fact really made him feel better about himself generally, but right now it did; it helped being eye to eye.

‘’About what?’’ Whispered Shepard, easing slightly closer to him, so that he could feel her warmth, the slight brush of her forearm against his.

Joker sighed, opened and closed his hands, wanting to look away, wanting to alleviate the tension, stop being serious, but he couldn’t. This was it, time to come clean, and take his chance, lower his defences, entirely.

‘’You asked if it was possible, that I’d overlooked other options…I…I said that I’d never considered it. Well, I lied. I _have_ considered it, before you asked at Purgatory, and, I even considered telling you the truth at the time. But…but, I fucked up…I…’’ Joker trailed off, his heart beating too hard, hating that he was shaking. He looked down, his emotions, which he was never comfortable with at the best of times, surging and roiling disconcertingly.

‘’What I did to you that night was wrong Shepard.’’ Joker continued quietly, his croaky voice getting a little more so, ‘’I just couldn’t believe that you’d really want _me_ …I thought, I thought you must just be teasing me…even though, I knew you weren’t. I knew that you weren’t happy for me, I knew that when you said ‘ _’Why not?’’_ that you were angry and that I’d hurt you… and my excuse, about the ‘’chain of command’’, well, that’s what it was, a feeble excuse.’’

Silence drew out again, punctuated only by the faint bubbly sounds of the aerator in the fish tank, and the dull thrum of the ship; it lasted seconds, but seemed like a lifetime.

_Shit, she’s going to punch me, break me to bits…_

Shepard let his words wash over her, it was like a tidal wave, while at the same time, she tried to absorb them. It felt like she was dreaming; it was hard to believe that this was happening; validating that her intuition had been correct, that he felt worthless, so he looked to EDI as his only option…while not liking her at all…(of course not, silver slut that she was!) His admission that he’d lied was impressive, Joker was normally never this, this… _honest_ , and blunt. But most of all, his admission that he’d considered her, made the frost that had filled her heart since that night, begin to thaw.

She considered slapping him, more out of relief, than anger at the issues his low self-worth had caused, but, it would only make things worse. Besides, she didn’t need him having a broken jaw, when something else she’d always hoped for might happen. The slap might put a downer on that too.

‘’Jeff…’’

_Oh, nice, I have a name again!_

Joker looked up, surprised at the use of his name, and at the tenderness with which she said it. It sent a jolt of warmth through his chest.

Her hand reached out, and she stroked a finger along his jaw, and then cupped his cheek, stroking her thumb against his scruffy beard.

‘’I’m so sorry you’d believe that I wouldn’t want you…I mean, I suppose I understand  _why_ you thought that…but, still I’m sorry,’’

‘’Not your fault commander…I mean, you’re right, guys like me, don’t get offers from women like you, so, I allowed myself to think you were teasing…that you had _other_ interests,’’

‘’Oh, but it _is_ partially my fault,’’ stated Shepard firmly ‘’it was in part, my ‘’other interest’’ that caused this problem,’’

Joker looked at her a little quizzically.

‘’Kaidan’’

She noted the discomfort that flickered over his face for a moment, confirming she’d been right on that point too, that his little comment in the bar, had been a core part of the whole problem, and had been literal, and nothing to do with rank.

‘’Yeah well,’’ began Joker, feeling distinctly uncomfortable, ‘’like I told you, I’m _not_ Kaidan; and well, I thought, that guys like him, were more suited for you,’’

‘’I know perfectly well who _you_ are Jeff, and you are quite wrong about his suitability for me,’’ 

He gazed at her, feeling a little dazed, that this was really happening, that she really did seem to want him, and that it wasn’t a trick; that she apparently didn’t hate him anymore; and she was touching him, and had used his real name. It felt damn good.

She let her hand slide from his cheek, onto his shoulder, and then onto his chest, over his heart. She could feel him trembling slightly, his muscles fatiguing.

‘’Come on, time to stop being cruel, let’s go sit somewhere more comfortable,’’

‘’No, I’m fine commander, I-‘’ she silenced him with her fingertips on his lips; the faintest smile pulling at the corners of her mouth, as he lightly kissed them, then blushed, and looked uncertain at his action. ‘’Sorry, it was too tempting,’’ he muttered.

Shepard smiled fully now, ‘’I hope you have more planned than that,’’ she teased, enjoying his cheeks turning pinker, and a real smile pull at his mouth, for the first time in weeks.

‘’More than you can imagine,’’ he smirked, surprised at his own boldness.

Shepard chuckled softly, ‘’careful, I’ll hold you to it,’’

Joker raised his eyebrows, ‘’yes ma’am’’

Shepard put her arm around his waist, and he put his across her shoulders, as they made their way slowly down the low stairs, to the couch in the corner of her sleeping area.

Once Joker was settled on the couch, Shepard took a seat beside him, sitting facing him, with her legs folded under her. He stretched his legs out in front of him, with a little sigh of pain; leaning into the couch, his arm resting along the back.

They were both quiet, sorting through what had happened. It all still felt a little unbelievable, that as recently as half an hour ago, it seemed that their friendship was permanently shattered, and that there would never be any hope of getting it back, let alone things moving in a ‘’relationship’’ direction. 

Joker shivered slightly, wanting to pinch himself; was he really here? Sitting in Shepard’s cabin, with her talking to him, letting him kiss her fingers, promising to do much more, and her _smiling_ , and seeming to want it…want _him_ , for real.

 _You still might let her down, all the_ others _felt let down, they couldn’t get away from you quick enough. Don’t get too confident_.

Shepard looked at Joker’s profile; his eyes were closed, as he flexed his legs. She smiled, he was _really_ here, he wanted her, there was still a chance.

Joker opened his eyes as Shepard began to tug his boots off, their eyes met, he opened his mouth to protest, his ever present prickly independence flaring slightly; she smiled, ‘’relax,’’

But he ignored it, and smiled back, ‘’Hmm, better not let me get used to this,’’ he teased, ‘’why not? I expect you around as much as possible,’’

‘’I’ll be here as much as you want me,’’

‘’No, you won’t’’

He sighed, ‘no, I guess I won’t’’

She nudged his legs apart, kneeling between them, arms resting on his thighs. He reached out his hand, a little tentatively, stroking his fingers over her cheek. Her freckles just visible in the dim light; her eyes shining with a light in them he’d never seen before. She leaned into his touch, closing her eyes for a moment, and sighing happily.

‘’Stay with me tonight,’’

‘’Really?’’

_Great, break the mood, dumbass. Real smooth._

Shepard smirked and looked into his eyes ‘’yes, Jeff, _really_ , unless you miss the sound of snoring, chatting and the uncomfortable, closter phobic inevitability of racks, so much, that you can’t possibly sleep without them,’’

‘’Wow, I guess you told me. I better pull my socks up, you're kicking my ass with your sarcasm, Commander,’’

‘’Enough with ‘ _’Commander’’_ too, I have a name, as you know, and to you at least, I want to be known by it,’’

‘’Aye aye!’’

Shepard rolled her eyes, pursing her lips slightly. ‘’You are so naughty,’’

‘’I try,’’

She slapped his leg lightly, ‘’come on, time for bed,’’ said Shepard, standing and offering him her hand, and pulling him to his feet. Gasping softly as he put his arms tightly around her, his beard pleasantly scratchy against her jaw, as he whispered, ‘’thank you for giving me a chance, Elizabeth,’’

He pulled away slightly; she put her arms around his neck, their eyes met for a moment, his widening a fraction, as her lips pressed to his. He let them close, moving his mouth in response to hers. It was wonderful, surreal, but wonderful. It had been years since he’d kissed anyone. He tried not to worry that Shepard would find him out of practice, since he probably was, if he’d even been very good to begin with…which, he probably hadn’t.

_Shut up, okay? She wants me…it’ll be fine._

_Humph, don’t get ahead of yourself._

Shepard softly pulled away, smiling as he gave one more kiss to the air, before his eyes came half open, a longing in his luminous green gaze.

‘’Bed. _Now_ ,’’ murmured Shepard, giving him one last kiss, and then taking his hand, and leading him to the bed.

‘’Wow, you were right, this does beat sleeping in my rack!’’ Said Joker, only _slightly_ sarcastically, as he sat on the edge of the bed, bouncing up as down lightly; he really was looking forward to this, mostly because of Shepard, but also a little for the bed. His rack was brutal to sleep in.

Shepard looked down at him; her eyebrow cocked and a smirk on her full, pink lips.

‘’Uh oh, am I in trouble mommy?’’ He teased, stopping his bouncing. She cocked her eyebrow a little higher, ‘ _’mommy?_ I thought that was something you reserved for teasing the ‘’thing’’ with?’’

Joker's face sobered, ‘’sorry,’’

Shepard shrugged, ‘’it’s alright, I’ll try and get over my insecurities; but in answer to your question, yes, you might be in trouble,’’

‘’Really, EDI-I mean, ‘’the thing’’ makes you insecure?’’ he asked,

Joker's quip back about ‘’being in trouble’’ completely derailed by this admission.

‘’Joker,’’

‘’Sorry,’’

Shepard sighed, ‘’yes, she does,’’

‘’What would make you feel more secure?’’

‘’Undressing you,’’

Joker’s cheeks colored and his mouth felt dry. ‘’Yeah, whatever you want babe,’’ he whispered,

 _‘’Babe_? _’’_ Shepard asked, with laughter in her voice,

Joker shrugged, ‘’yeah, if you want to be,’’

‘’Nothing would make be happier,’’ said Shepard quietly, her tone a little husky, making Joker shiver.

Unfolding her arms, Shepard stepped forward and leaned in, first removing his cap, setting it to the side, then ruffled his flattened hair with her hand, smiling as he looked up at her, seeming uncertain. ‘’The hat’s sexy Jeff, but I like you better without it, at least while we’re alone,’’

_Sexy. Wow._

_The hat, not you!_

_But she likes me too…better,_ without _the hat. Huh._

‘’In fact, it used to bug me a little, that you wore it all the time, and so I couldn’t ever see you properly, unless I got close, which you seemed to hate; but now, I prefer your full adorableness to stay hidden, and for my eyes only,’’

_Adorable?_

‘’You think I’m adorable?’’

Shepard smiled wryly, ‘’why, how would you rather be described?’’

‘’I dunno, hot, pulsating with masculine virility, handsome,’’

‘’I never said you _weren’t_ any of those things; but to me, you’re adorable too,’’

Joker digested this, and found that he was alright with it. He shrugged, a smile pulling at the corners of his mouth; for Shepard, he’d be anything she wanted.

Shepard undid his belt, and then gently pulled his top off, while he lifted his arms to aid her, submitting to her desire, it was the least he could do.

Joker tried not to feel insecure, now naked from the waist up. He wasn’t doughy or anything, but he wasn’t super ripped like James or Kaidan either.

As if seeming to sense his self-doubt, Shepard knelt, and began to place kisses to his pale skin, while her hands gently, lovingly explored the contours of his chest; hoping that her actions conveyed her acceptance of him, her appreciation, and satisfaction.

She felt honored really, that he was letting her do this, since he always seemed to loath, or at least be very wary of physical contact.

Joker sighed softly, both in surprise and arousal; it was really the first time he’d been touched this way. All of his previous partners had been interested in was the quickest way to release; there’d been very little ‘’appreciating’’ of each other bodies.

It was nice for another reason too; all his life, his body had been mainly only touched for medical purposes, to the point where he at times had felt un-human, like he was just a thing, a project, a slab of meat with no feelings, that just had to endure and put up with it all, like it was just to be expected, for someone in his condition…and so he shouldn’t complain.

So this then, was wonderful. The feeling Shepard conveyed as her fingertips explored his upper body, was one that clearly said she liked what she saw and felt…that she saw _him_ , as a man, not as a cripple, or something less than human.

It almost made him a little emotional.

Shepard looked up at him, placing one last kiss to his chest, her cheeks slightly flushed.

‘’Well, do I pass inspection?’’ he teased, not able to help himself, needing to give his uncomfortable emotional surge a release.

She reached up, and ran her thumb over his lower lip, ‘’with flying colors, so far’’ she purred, making a prickle go up his spine, and a warmth spread through his chest.

She rose, and encouraged him to lay back on the bed. Joker let out a little sigh of mixed pain and relief; rotating his shoulders slightly, to ease the ever present stiffness, while appreciating the dense, yet pillow-like nature of the bed as it cradled his body.

‘’But I’m not done with my inspection yet,’’ she whispered teasingly, her hands drifting to the waistband of his pants, as he felt a slightly painful tightness begin to form between his legs.

_Yeah, I’m a horny, sex deprived man, so shoot me._

It was slightly undignified he supposed, letting himself be stripped like this, and certainly he probably wouldn’t have let anyone but Shepard do so, but at the same time it felt kind of good, in a twisted sort of way. He always felt like he was holding himself together, he had all his life, never being able to relax, or be weak…

Certainly there’d been enough bullies who had reminded him just how physically weak he was. So, it had always been important to shield himself, and be strong in all other areas.

Shepard set his pants aside, with his shirt and cap. He propped himself on his elbows, as she gazed over his whole body, her eyes pausing on his legs; and he sort of wished they hadn’t. Though he had exercised more since getting his legs fixed, they were still weak, and slightly thinner, and more frail looking than they should be….or at least to what was normal, especially as he looked at her lean muscular pair.

But like everything else, Shepard seemed to find no fault with them, as she lovingly caressed them, her mouth tightening slightly as she touched the reddish scars from the surgery.

Shepard crawled onto the bed, and lay on her side, patting a space beside her, making Joker have to change positions.

Once they were both settled facing each other, with the blankets covering them, Shepard spoke, ‘’well, I can safely say you passed, and that your prior assessment of yourself, as _inferior_ , is utterly false,’’

Before Joker could answer, her lips found his, and all other thoughts went out of his mind, as his eyes slowly closed, savoring Shepard's kiss, his hand cupping her cheek, fingers twining gently into her short hair.

Shepard slipped her hand into his underwear, cupping him, making his body stiffen, as he moaned against her mouth, arching into her teasing pressure. She kissed him harder, his beard pleasantly tickling against her chin. Their kisses became more intense, almost frantic, as years worth of pent up feelings were physically expressed.

He pulled away from the kiss, moaning loudly, as Shepard began to stroke against him, he bit his lip, eyes tightly closed, as she continued to pleasure him, her thumb seeming to know just where to press. With a louder cry, he came; embarrassingly fast really...or so he thought.

Shepard continued to lightly caress his manhood, while placing gentle kisses to his lips.

''This has to be a dream...'' croaked Joker, his eyes coming half open, the intensity of his orgasm fading.

Shepard chuckled softly, ''nope, it really happened,''

She watched as his eyes closed again, feeling slightly giddy, that this _was_ actually really real...and he was the one thinking it must all be a dream! Ha!

''Remind me never to be rude to you again...'' he mumbled...''since if I am, you have things to withhold from me now...'' said Joker after a while, looking at her with half open eyes, and a crooked smile on his lips.

''Yes,'' sighed Shepard dramatically, ''you'll never be safe to smartass me again!''

''Well, it's a trade I'm willing to make,''

Shepard smiled, pressing her lips to his again, before snuggling close, tucking her head under his chin, as he put his arm securely over her; feeling relieved, as well as a little guilty, the hand job had been more than he'd expected, or deserved; but it had proved, at least in a way, that Shepard was serious, she wanted him, and wanted them, to work.

 _''Them''_ wow _...maybe I should try being honest and vulnerable more often!_

He still owed her though, to give her all he was able to anyway...which he hoped would be enough for her...

Pulling away slightly, Joker found Shepard had fallen asleep, her face more relaxed than he'd seen it in a long time. With a smile, he closed his eyes, shifted a little closer, and allowed himself to sleep, feeling happier than he likely deserved. While in the back of his mind a dark, looming worry reminded him how finite this was all likely to be...

Could he face the probable reality of Shepard dying...again? Now that he had emotionally invested himself...opened up, made himself vulnerable?

How could he live without her...?

Joker pushed these thoughts firmly away, letting himself relax; all they had was now, and for now...and as long as it lasted...he would give Shepard his all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	4. Secure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adult situations. You've been warned.

 

 

Joker sighed contentedly, slowly coming awake and gradually feeling confused at why he was so comfortable, and had so much room. His eyes came open and he blinked until his vision was clear, confusion remaining for a few seconds, then a smile pulled at his mouth.

 _Right, I remember now. Wow, it really happened, I’m in Shepard’s cabin, in bed,_ with _Shepard. Holy Shit!_

Joker turned his head, taking in Shepard.

She was curled on her side, still blissfully asleep. Her face more relaxed than he could remember seeing it in a long time, feeling a vague pride, that that might have something to do with him, being here.

The light in the cabin was still dim, but it only aided in accentuating her beauty. Her milky skin seemed to glow, in an ethereal manner, like she really was a god or something; the faint freckles adding a human cuteness. Her wavy chestnut hair was muted in the dimness, but it only made it a richer, prettier shade, one lock falling across her forehead, contrasting prettily with her pale skin. Her soft pink lips were slightly parted, and begging to be kissed, but Joker just propped himself on his pillow and enjoyed the view, savoring it, and thanking whatever powers that might be out there, that he’d been able to swallow his pride, and his fear, so he could be here right now.

He knew his shift was going to start soon, but there were still a couple hours to spare, besides, ''regs be damned'' seemed to be the new theme.

Shepard yawned, and stretched out an arm, her eyes coming open as her knuckles brushed against something warm. She turned her head, and smiled; last night’s events coming back in a rush as she looked at Jeff, who smiled lazily at her, from his half propped position.

‘’Mornin’ beautiful,’’ he drawled, reaching out to brush away a piece of hair from her face.  She caught his hand, and kissed it.

They gazed at each other for a few seconds, the newness of everything making both of them a little shy still.

‘’So, I take it you had a good sleep?’’ began Shepard, breaking the small silence, while knowing her cheeks were coloring from Joker’s sentiment of ‘’beautiful.’’

‘’Best one of my life,’’

‘’Well, I’m glad you liked the bed,’’ teased Shepard, as Joker smirked, shaking his head slightly.

‘’I thought _I_ was supposed to be the sarcastic self-depreciating one; bed indeed!’’

‘’I’m really glad you’re here with me Jeff,’’ whispered Shepard, rubbing her lips against his knuckles, giving them another kiss.

‘’Me too; really, I’m so relieved, that you gave me another chance…I really didn’t deserve it,’’

‘’Why? If you really didn’t want EDI, how would it have been better for me to sulk, and punish you and myself, by not giving you a chance, or taking one of my own, while you would just be miserable, and continue to affirm shitty lies to yourself? I don't think I could have stood it...there's already so little to be happy or positive about,''

Joker’s cheeks turned a little pink at this statement, but then, he quickly replaced his serious expression with his endearing half smile, ‘’you been talking to Chakwas or something? I don’t know if I can handle having both of you nagging me with the ‘’be positive’’ shit,’’

Shepard rolled her eyes, ‘’I feel sorry for her, she tries her best to look after you, and you’re always so uncooperative,’’

‘’Yeah, well…’’ mumbled Joker, feeling faintly guilty, since it was absolutely true. He probably wouldn’t have even been here, if not for Chakwas; certainly, if not for her, and her constant checking up on him, he knew that there had been a few nights, in the two years after the crash that he came close to following Shepard into the dark.

‘’But anyway,’’ Shepard said, changing tones, to a lower, teasing pitch, ‘’reality is going to catch up with us soon…so I suggest we use our time, _wisely_. I think I’ve been patient long enough,’’ continued Shepard huskily, kissing his knuckles again, ‘’I think it’s time you lived up to your bragging from last night, don’t you? I’d hate to die this afternoon or something… _unfulfilled_ and all…’’

Shepard watched as the pink flush deepened across Jokers cheeks, but his smile didn’t falter, and his gaze remained intense.

‘’Yeah, that’d really suck Commander, I mean, you’re right, we can’t _possibly_ run the risk of that happening,’’ he murmured. Hating that the nagging worry from last night was still lurking, darkly at the margins of his thoughts.

‘’Elizabeth,’’ corrected Shepard quietly, watching his smile widen, as he gently pulled his hand from hers and got to his hands and knees.

Shepard lay back, as he slowly pulled the blankets off of her, irritated that his knees were already protesting his position. Annoyed too, that he was so nervous; it had been a long time since he’d been with someone…and this was Shepard, not just some random girl.

Except, it seemed that Shepard was pretty nervous too, which was just too cute, as well as bolstering to his blooming insecurity.

He nudged her legs apart, settling himself between them; he slowly slid his hands under the hem of her shirt, exhaling deeply, as he began his exploration, savoring the feeling of the firm muscles, covered in the softest skin he’d ever felt. Pausing when he reached the enticing swells of her breasts; their eyes met, the breath catching in Shepard’s throat, as Joker’s hands cupped her breasts, his thumbs moving to her pert nipples, rubbing them until she cried out in a needy moan…making her arch her back, as the rubbing turned to a gentle pinch.

Pushing her shirt up, he began to kiss her ribcage, working up, letting his tongue explore the area between her breasts, earning him more appreciative sounds from Shepard.

She gave a little sound of displeasure though, when he pulled away, and there was a slightly awkward moment as she untangled her arms as he stripped her completely of the baggy blue shirt.

Tossing it aside, Joker gave her a cheeky grin, and resumed his exploration.

Shepard gasped, as Joker’s mouth closed hotly around her nipple, licking it until it was almost painfully hard; he hissed as her fingers dug into his shoulder, making him abandon his lavishing on her nipple. She seemed to notice her mistake, and eased the pressure of her hand.

Her skin shivered under his lips, as he worked his way down her abdomen, pausing when he reached the waistband of her shorts, then, pulled them partially down with his teeth, Shepard lifting her hips as he took them off the rest of the way. Feeling only slightly disappointed she didn’t have some nice lacy panties on for him to take off…but then, Shepard naked was pretty good too.

‘’Don’t tell me you’re too poor for lingerie? Didn’t Kasumi buy you some, when you went on that mission with her? Oh well, I’ll have to buy you a present I guess,’’ teased Joker, caressing her hips.

Shepard actually looked a little embarrassed, ‘’No, I still have them; I just never wear underwear like that normally, and well…I showered last night, and then didn’t bother with any underwear at all…’’

‘Don’t worry, like I said, it’ll give me an excuse to get you a present,’’

Smiling, Shepard relaxed, ‘’I like black,’’

‘’Me too,’’

‘’And lace…’’

‘’Great, we’re on the same page,’’ murmured Joker, kissing her stomach, slowly licking the smooth skin, making Shepard sigh happily, as the trail of wet cooled to a pleasant tingling sensation, blending with the jolts of pleasure that Joker’s mouth left wherever it went.

He nuzzled her, the small nest of curls at the apex of her thighs soft against his lips, as he inhaled her faintly musky scent, mixing with the floral, lilac scent she always had, from her soap.

Listened to her gasp softly as he let his tongue tease against her sex, before slowly inserting it, giving slow, deliberate licks, making Shepard’s hips buck and her hands turn to fists against the sheets as she let out a low moan, surrendering completely, as her long held fantasy bloomed into vivid reality.

_Easy babe, we’re just getting started…_

Feeling thrilled by her response at the same time.

Her folds were like velvet against his tongue, as he alternated between a teasing tickle, to a firm, almost sucking pressure.

Joker felt his own need becoming painfully tight, making him prop himself on one arm, grinding against the bed, with each thrust of his mouth against Shepard. Finding his release too quickly again; his groan muffled by what he still in the middle of, and Shepard’s loudening cries.

Shepard screamed softly, as his thumb found her clitoris.  She bucked against the pressure, her hand fumbling, finding his head, pressing him against her harder.

Joker ignored the faint pain of her fingers digging against him, he could take some bruises.

With one last ragged cry, Shepard came, then flopped limply back in the tangle of sheets, chest heaving.

Joker licked her wet off his lips, and gave her sex one last kiss, as he caught his own breath, his cheek resting on her sweat slicked lower abdomen, her thighs still propped up on either side of him.

‘’Jeff…Jeff…’’ whispered Shepard hoarsely, her hand finding his head again, but this time her touch was gentle, as her fingertips carded through his damp hair.

He raised his head, her fingers sliding against his cheek, over his beard; he kissed her below the bellybutton; their eyes met, there were tears in hers, and, as he blinked, there were in his too.

‘’I love you,’’ breathed Shepard,

‘’I love you too, Elizabeth,’’

…

The pinging of omnitools reminding them of their duty; a duty that threatened to eclipse, and crush, indifferently lying all to waste.

 


	5. At the End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like the events of Purgatory, the way Mass Effect 3 ended was very...irritating. SO, I'm changing a couple of things: 
> 
> 1\. The Normandy does not crash; nor does it leave Earth; all of this chapter, will take place on Earth.  
> 2\. Shepard's communication links are somewhat operational, since well...the alternative is the canon...which was upsetting. 
> 
> Anyway...

 

 

 

It had always been a possibility, if not an inevitability. But that didn’t mean he could accept it; because he couldn’t.

Joker tried to keep his fear from swallowing him, and to stay focused.

She would answer, she _had_ to…

It was hell down there, she was busy, that’s all.

_I can’t live without you babe…_

 

…

 

The world felt fuzzy; and not in a fluffy kittens kind of way; it was like she was floating in some weird between place, where everything is just out of reach. Images, and half-formed memories, fluttering by like falling leaves. She couldn't remember where she was, or _why_ she was. A sinking panic swirled through her…but she couldn't seem to grab onto it either…

Another memory flashed by: she is falling and falling, the stars are a dizzy blur, there is no up and no down, the air is being sucked from her lungs, her suit is failing, then, cold, the most deathly cold, then darkness…

Except, she _can_ breathe, and she is not moving…or floating…she is laying on something solid, and very lumpy.

Shepard coughed, feeling something wet splatter down her chin, as she drew a ragged breath, which made a sickly watery sound in her chest, and caused a lancing, white hot pain all the way down her arm.

Pain; burning throbbing pain engulfed her, pressing in, pounding at her from all sides.

She tried to move, but couldn’t. Her limbs feeling like they had been transformed to lead, and like her brain had lost contact with them.

Gradually, she eased her eyes open, blinking slowly, the blurriness coalescing into a ragged grey sky above, and charred, smoking, and crumbling buildings peripherally; only she couldn’t seem to see properly…everything remained somewhat wobbly, and her eyes stung at the effort of trying to perform their function.

There was sound, muffled, and distant seeming; shouts and cries, but she couldn’t tell if they were screaming or cheering…

She attempted to sit up again, letting out a little strangled scream, and laying still once more.

What had happened?

Her muddled thoughts gradually piecing themselves together; the core, the explosion, being hurled backwards...

There was a burst of static in her ear, then a pause, then more static, with a few disjointed words.

Then a voice that brought tears to her stinging eyes…

‘’Shepard?! Shepard, please pick up, c’mon…baby, please, _please_ pick up!’’

Shepard’s face contorted in relief, tears running down her soot streaked cheeks.

She opened her paper dry mouth, licking at her blistered lips, with non-existent saliva, ‘’Jeff…’’

_‘’Shepard?’’_

‘’Jeff I’m here…I…’’

‘’Are you _alright_?’’ he asked with a somewhat shaky voice, torn somewhere between panic and relief.

‘’Yeah…I’m alright…did we win?’’

‘’Yes, we won, ‘’

‘’Good…’’

 _I sound so vague…maybe I’m_ not _alright…oh yeah, I’m not; I can’t move…and I can smell burnt flesh…and blood…is that coming from me?_

There was static again, and she felt the world fading, her vision tunneling into darkness.

Joker’s heart was in his throat, as he quickly wiped his eyes, hearing her voice was like taking a breath of sweet, fresh air after being sure you were going to drown.

He frantically tried to get a lock on her position, but the systems, including EDI had not come through unscathed; he glanced over, taking in her slumped, overloaded form.

She wished he would come back…it would be such a comfort; like it had always been, all along, on every mission, that sarcastic, yet concerned voice, always with her…

So, she needed it, especially now. They had won, and…she was dying. She’d done what she been born, and survived to do, she’d saved humanity. So now at the last, she wanted only one thing…

Time seemed to stand still. Ash drifted like a perversion of snow, as memories floated through her mind in broken, disordered pieces. She felt like a child, trying to catch raindrops; each memory hitting her, then breaking, and trickling away before she could focus on it.

Another crackle of static distracted her from the slightly panic inducing futility of her minds randomly firing, dying neurons.

Her heart gave a momentary flutter at the sound of his voice…or maybe it was just stopping…

‘’I’ve got a lock on your position, medics are on the way; stay with me Zabe,’’

 _Zabe._ Only he called her that. It was a Jeff Moreau original. She’d always hated the normal shortened forms for Elizabeth; there was no way she’d ever be a ‘’Betty,’’ ‘’Liz,’’ ‘’Beth’’ etcetera, so she’d been surprised, and pleased at his ingenuity; he’d said the ‘’z’’ made it sound cool, and she’d agreed; it almost sounded like it was some sort of sword or weapon, which for her was fitting. Hearing it now made her smile faintly.

‘’Zabe? C’mon, you need to keep talking to me…’’

‘’I’m so cold Jeff…’’

Joker felt his stomach sink, and an icy feeling settle over him, he swallowed a sob; she sounded so weak, her words slightly slurred. He willed his voice to stay calm and firm, but knew he was failing.

‘’You’ll be fine,’’ he half pleaded half assured,

‘’No…’’

‘’Yes you will! You’re going to be fine, the medics will be there in a minute,’’

‘ _’Jeff_ …’’ she could feel her eyes becoming wetter, as she listened to the emotion in his voice; she knew he was crying...that she was hurting him…

‘’ELIZABETH? Come on, please, please keep talking!’’ Joker knew he shouldn’t yell at her, but he felt so helpless, like always, his knuckles white as he gripped the armrests on his chair, tears running unchecked down his cheeks…

It was just like two years ago in the escape pod…the frantic panic, the utter futility…

Only this time…there would be no Cerberus with their twisted miracle.

‘’Please…’’ he begged, ‘’Elizabeth…I love you…I can’t…I _can’t_ live without you…’’ he whispered.

Shepard’s eyes slowly fell shut, it was too hard to fight anymore…this was a battle she couldn’t win…not even to stay with him; she sobbed, a ragged, painful sob, her breathing becoming erratic, and stilted.

His words faint in her ear still blended with the crackling static…

_‘’I love you…’’_

_No, I can’t live without you either Jeff…_ The thought tumbled by, but she couldn’t catch it, couldn’t think anymore…

‘’I love you too, Jeff…’’ she whispered as the darkness took her completely.

…

She was a mess, and that was putting it lightly.

Her armor was singed, cracked, broken, burned completely away in places, leaving weeping, raw skin showing through.

Her face was too dirty to tell what else might be wrong with it, other than numerous scrapes, and a deep cut across her right cheek, as well as blood around her mouth, and over her chin, that had clearly come from internal trauma.

Her left arm was bent back at an impossible angle and shards of bone protruded with a ghastly unnatural whiteness

Her legs were probably broken too, one losing blood at an alarming rate.

But worst of all, was a thick piece of steel, about three inches across, and four feet long, that must have been part of a support from one of the buildings, of who’s rubble she was currently lying on. Anyway, she’d been impaled on it, hitting it an angle so it entered at her shoulder, and exited out her chest, under her breast.

The cement rubble under her was covered with dark, drying blood.

However, despite all this, she was still alive.

Junior medic, Gill Bendin shook his head in amazement, as he picked up the unused medical supplies, as the others medics from Unit 14, loaded Shepard, to get her to the nearest field hospital.

 


	6. Forever

Vancouver, two years later.

...

 

He fiddled nervously with one cuff, then the other, then his tie. It felt too tight. The sun felt too hot.

 _Get a grip; you look fine, you checked a billion times; it is_ not _too hot, it’s not even 10am, and besides, it’s only April._

Jeff took a deep breath, and focused his gaze on the fluffy cherry blossoms, on the line of cherry trees, several yards away; the fragile pink petals falling like floral snow with each gentle breeze.

In less than fifteen minutes he would be marrying Shepard. He smiled; it was still a little surreal. Surreal, but wonderful, more than he’d ever dreamed would happen to him. More than ever seemed likely, especially on that awful day, at the end of the war, as he’d listened to her fading voice…

Then there had been the months she'd spent in the hospital, slowly being put back together. It had been painful to watch, but he was so thankful, that this time, he could be with her through it all.

It had cemented their bond. They'd been through everything together, from the beginning, seen the good, the bad, the painful, the hellish...

So, finally, after two years, when they had settled, and the world, the galaxy, had settled, and he'd gotten up enough courage, and nerve, he'd asked her the question, that had lead them to where they were now.

Jeff smiled, thinking of the soon to be Mrs. Moreau.

…

Her heart was pounding; she felt more excited and more nervous than she ever had on any mission, or during any other point in her life, which was saying something. Her hands felt sticky against the smooth ribbon binding her bouquet.

 She took some deep, steadying breaths, willing herself to calm. The dress was heavy, heavier than her armor had been, or so it seemed. What had she been _thinking?_ They should have just gotten married in dress uniform; why had she ever thought _this_ was a good idea?

Well, it was too late to change anything now, and useless to wonder at her determination to have a ‘’traditional’’ wedding…

Jeff had been supportive, letting her do things however she wanted, more patient than she’d ever thought him capable. Seeming to understand her need to do something non-military, for once in her life, encouraging her to embrace a long suppressed, and buried ‘’girly’’ side.

But now, now that it was about to happen, had it been a mistake?

Would he like her in the dress? Or would he think she looked ridiculous? She’d not been sure, after she’d seen herself today; which was so stupid, since she’d picked, and had this dress tailor made, tried it on many times; and found it perfect, and beautiful… _then_.

Well, in a few minutes, she’d find out. Possibly about to be the laughing stock of her guests, and the source of all future jokes, from he soon to be husband.

Shepard moved into position, the first gentle swells of music starting, signaling her entrance (they’d opted for something other than the ‘’Bridal March’’, this was something of Jeff’s own creation, soft and moving; his original piano version now accompanied by violin and cello; she’d been amazed to learn of his musical abilities, and impressed, that he really did have skills.)

She took one last breath, and stepped to make her solitary journey up the aisle. They had debated over having groomsmen, and bridesmaids, but in the end, opted for being on their own. Which for her, wasn’t so odd, she had been alone all her life, at least in regards to a family; and she was pretty sure, that Jack, Garrus, Wrex, or any other of what could be considered her ''family'', would not be pleased with the invitation to be bridesmaids, or groomsmen for that matter.

For Jeff though, this was likely a bitter sweet day. In the course of the war, he had lost all of his immediate family. Rendering them both essentially, orphans, something which he was not used to, and had not fully gotten over, in the intervening years. Really, who wouldn’t want their parents, their sister, there, supporting them, being delighted with them, on a day like this?

The guests rose with a gentle rushing rustle, all heads turned to look at her, hundreds of eyes on her every move; but she only had eyes for the man waiting for her at the end of the aisle. A small smile pulled at her mouth, and warmth began to melt through the worry that had gripped her, and suddenly she frankly couldn’t give a damn what any of them thought of her, or how she looked.

…

Jeff felt the wetness on his cheeks, but didn’t bother to wipe it away, he didn’t care, it was the only way he could feel, looking at Shepard right now.

Elizabeth was dressed in an elaborate white gown; it was fitted in the bodice, embellished with pearls and lace. From the waist down it flowed away in lush ruffles; the heavier underskirt was covered in a lighter, lacier material, which shifted and shimmered in the gentle breeze. The veil was long and sheer, with lace on the edges, set over her beautiful ginger hair, which she’d grown out in the intervening years, and was now pulled into a loose, curly side bun, with shorter pieces framing her face, and flying away attractively. The bouquet in her slender white hands was made of red roses interspersed with dustings of cherry blossoms.

Shepard smiled, a little shyly, as she looked at Joker, waiting for her at the top of the aisle. He was so handsome. How could he ever have thought otherwise? Didn’t he ever look in a mirror?

He had on a simple suit, black with a white shirt under, his red tie, tying in with her bouquet, provided the only contrast. He’d trimmed his beard a little, but only to neaten it; it was just as visible as always.  His hair was unusually fluffed, he’d put some kind of product in it, making it slightly messy, and natural looking; cute though his plastered hat-hair was, this was an improvement.

But it was his eyes that she noticed most, like she always had, they were luminous, and as she drew to a stop, standing beside him, she noticed they were sparkling with tears.

They faced each other, clasping hands; Dr. Chakwas stepping in as a sort of impromptu matron of honor, to hold Shepard’s bouquet.

It was fitting, as she was like a mother to both of them.

They made their vows, Jeff more solemn and sincere than she could remember, it was touching.

At last, their lips met, sealing it all with a kiss; inseparable, together, forever.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, we've reached the end, I hope I created a satisfactory one. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading; and for those of you who left kudos, thank you, I'm touched! :3


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